Children Need to be Seen AND Heard

The proverb “Children should be seen and not heard” dates back to medieval times and particularly applied to girls. In the presence of adults, children were expected to keep silent.  

Children who experience chaos and trauma especially need to be heard as well as seen by caring adults. 

Mountains of misunderstanding and the valleys of assumption can exist between children and adults. For the sake of young, immature minds whose imaginations naturally feed fears of the unknown, adults need to climb those mountains and cross the valleys that characterize real life trauma and chaos. 

When adults ignore children, remain preoccupied with their own problems, or fail to consider the way their children are affected by those same problems––thereby denying children a voice––children internalize the pain and also experience rejection by the very people they need most.

Counselor Aundi Kolber writes from her own childhood experience. “Growing up, I had experienced significant losses . . . and this affected everything . . . I didn’t realize then that our wounds often surface only when at last we feel physically or emotionally safe. Once we are out of survival mode, our bodies, minds, and spirits can bear to consider our stories and the reasons we are so emotionally dysregulated.”

“This affected everything” hardly overstates the child’s point of view. 

Throughout my own childhood, I heard the words again and again, “Children are to be seen and not heard.” Those same words spoken to my mother when she was a young girl. Both my mother and I were hog-tied, hamstrung by this expectation of silence, and we each buried our pain beneath a façade of compliance.

As an adult, finding my voice and articulating the reasons for my emotional dysregulation has come through reading and writing. 

Delivered as of first importance, reading the Bible––taking in the words written by God to reveal who he is, who Jesus is, and to orient how my story fits into his story––has been the anchor for my soul. 

I started reading the Bible as if it were written to me soon after my sister died, and when 3 months later my dad was killed in an auto accident. That tiny green Gideon New Testament was a lifeline to this 9-year-old girl who quaked under the covers at night, wondering whether me or my mom would die next.

At the time, it never occurred to a single adult in my life to explore my thoughts, probe my fears, or calm my anxieties. 

Choosing Words That Matter

The prophet Isaiah wrote “For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6)

Whether you put a comma between Wonderful and Counselor, or after Wonderful Counselor, link these words about the savior Isaiah spoke of with John’s gospel, chapter 1. 

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God . . . and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory, glory of the only begotten of the Father.”

John 1:1, 14

Next, go to Hebrews to read how God’s Son was made like his brothers––a human being––“in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:17–18).

What I have known by faith and experience is that through the Bible, Jesus is Wonderful, and he is Counselor, and he is a Wonderful Counselor. He counsels and guides, protects and provides, comforts and corrects. 

When I couldn’t voice my complaints, doubts, fears and worries to anyone else, he made himself known to me through his word, as if he himself were actually speaking to me. 

This isn’t presumption on my part. This is faith stepping beyond the seen and trusting the unseen. 

Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Harrison Ford, portraying Indiana Jones, steps into the void––out onto what appears to be nothing? Steps taken as his father says, “You must believe, Boy.”

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen . . . And without faith, it is impossible to please him, because anyone who come to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Hebrews 11:1, 6

Because an uncanny parallel exists between the effects of trauma from Aundi Kolber’s childhood and my own, her voice resonates. Specifically, she describes the need to “create a healthier inner voice” by forming secure attachment through a meaningful emotional relationship. After that, “The second step occurs when we are able to coherently tell our story and understand from our perspective why events happened.”

My first secure emotional attachment is to God, and also to my husband who God gave to me, answering a prayer that only God heard. Both have contributed to a “healthier inner voice,” the one I listen to instead of voices from my past.

A New Way to Be

The main thing to remember and tell myself, as Aundi suggests for healing trauma, “It’s over now. Let’s figure out a new way to be.”

This is where I find myself today. Working on a memoir, off and on for the past 10 years, I have wanted to tell a coherent story. One with meaning and purpose, not only for me, but for the sake of those who come after me. 

And I keep coming across that saying, “Children are to be seen and not heard” as a pivot point in my story to explain to myself, at least, why I bear a burden for children be seen and heard.