Expectations Rob Us of Joy

Another journal, another entry, a note to self revealed that my expectations of other people presents a recurring problem for me. [1]

But what if the person of whom I have expectations is the person who raised those expectations in the first place?

What if a failure to meet those expectations undermines my trust in that person’s word?

Someone I trusted either forgot what they said or else changed their mind. Does this call into question their character?

Anyone in whom you or I place confidence can fail to meet our expectations. It could be a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, colleagues. Confidence begins to corrode.

Like most writers, I write to think, and to work out problems on a page, problems that I cannot deal with in person. Such was the case in June 2018.

Expectations for What? And of Whom?

Am I a coward for not telling that person what I think?

Or do I continually need to take my concerns to higher authority?

As the psalmist wrote, shouldn’t my expectations be of God alone?

My soul, wait thou only upon God, for my expectation is from Him.

Psalm 62:5, KJV

Isn’t God big enough, wise enough, powerful enough to know what’s best for me, and at the same time work on other people? Even the very people who disappoint me. Or worse, hurt me.

Disappointments reveal how unmet expectations make me feel as if I am the only one being chiseled.

Is God chipping away at my character, refining and purifying my motives?

Is anything happening on the other end of these relationships?

Learning from Literature

I’ve been listening on Audible to Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility (1811, her first published novel). Having read the book and watched the movie adaptations, hearing the words spoken accentuates the drama by adding time. Waiting time.

Austen paints a picture with words to show what it was like for women who had so few opportunities, and almost all of those options depended on a man.

The main character, Elinor, shows tremendous restraint by not telling a soul how she’s hurting from her disappointment.

“I have suffered the punishment of an attachment, without enjoying its advantages. . . if I had not been bound to silence, perhaps nothing could have kept me entirely––not even what I owe to my dearest friends––from openly showing that I was very unhappy.”

Volume the Third, CHAPTER I

Her sister Marianne cannot conceal her heartbreak after her expectations were dashed.

“In such moments of precious, of invaluable misery, she rejoiced in tears of agony . . .”

Volume the Third, CHAPTER VI

The agony of silence or the misery of tears, both sisters trusted different men, believing that each man’s intentions were honorable and his actions and words could be trusted.

Who would have thought that misery was “invaluable” except a person working through the pain of disappointment for unmet expectations?

Who could have kept silent and concealed such unhappiness except a person more concerned with the happiness of others?

Circumspect, the sisters had to wait for their futures to unfold.

Disappointments, Comparison, and Frustration

What often happens, I turn my disappointments for unmet expectations inward.

Instinctively, I will look at the person next to me and make comparisons to their situation.

Like Peter, who looking at John, then asked Jesus, “LORD, what about him?” [2]

Jesus answered, “What is that to you?”

OUCH!

For me, in the middle of a sleepless night, sometimes the clearest thinking occurs.

Lying in bed, unable to sleep, I thought about how my expectations rob me of joy.

If I get what I expect, there’s little or no joy because I got only what I expected.

If I release expectations, then whatever good comes my way brings with it unexpected JOY.

And gratitude. Is there room for gratitude when all I can see is what I didn’t get?

Unmet expectations eclipse my capacity to be grateful for all that’s right instead of complaining about what’s wrong.

New expectations manage to replace the current ones once those expectations are met.

“You promised to take me to Disneyland. You did. Where next?”

Meeting expectations becomes a moving target.

A Matter for the Heart

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Hurt can turn to resentment. Resentment can turn to bitterness. Bitterness can turn to cynicism.

Unmet expectations annoy at first. I can simmer and reopen files containing broken promises. I can create a steady stream of things other people ought to do, or need to do, or failed to do. Which translates, “This problem is your responsibility, not mine.”

When my expectations are pinned to other people, I can expect to be disappointed.

“What am I doing in the meantime, Lord? Hoping, that’s what I’m doing—hoping You’ll save me from a rebel life, save me from the contempt of idiots. I’ll say no more, I’ll shut my mouth, since you, Lord, are behind all this. But I can’t take it much longer. When you put us through the fire to purge us from our sin, our dearest idols go up in smoke. Are we also nothing but smoke?

Psalm 39:7, The Message

When God allows situations and people to expose my expectations and my ingratitude, how can He give me anything else?

Actually, the emotions I work through surface from the frustration I feel over my own limitations.

I can’t expect people to know when or how they failed to meet my expectations.

I’ll say no more, I’ll shut my mouth, since you, Lord, are behind all this.

Note to self: Let expectations go. Be amazed when joy comes to take their place.

[1] (See previous post before Christmas)

[2] John 21:21

[3] These are pictures of JANE AUSTEN quotes on post cards I purchased to write notes to people.