How Far Can I Stretch the Word FRIEND?

The western Silverado introduces the character Paden (Kevin Kline) after he has been robbed, left to die in the middle of open desert, head lying on a rock, arms across his chest, and feet crossed at the ankles––a sweet repose that indicates he’s given up.

Then a Good Samaritan comes along and gives him a drink of water from his canteen.

First spoken line in the film, Paden whispers, “Good to meet you.”

The robbers stole his horse, his boots, his clothes, leaving him wearing worn long johns––the kind with a trap door. Paden explains his circumstances.

Paden: “Me, I’m riding along, minding my own business. Four cowboys come by and we decide to ride together for a while, friendly as can be. I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody’s your friend or nobody is; don’t make much difference. We get out in the middle of that frying pan and suddenly everybody’s pointing their gun but me. I guess they admired my horse.” 

Emmett: [looking at Paden in his long underwear and socks] “Looks like that’s not all they admired.” 

Paden: “Yup. The whole rig. I don’t care much about the rest, but I surely will miss that bay. Least they didn’t kill me. That was right considerate, I thought. They were laughing when they left me. Thought it was real funny. I walked for a little while but there was no use, so I gave it up. Figured it was just bad luck.”

Silverado came out in 1985, introducing Kevin Costner in his “Who is that role?,” as well as Scott Glenn and Danny Glover who together with Kevin Kline forge a remarkable, believable, and admirable friendship in the Old West of the 1850’s.

In a 2020 interview, Kevin Costner said, “It’s a movie that people like to share.” I do!

“I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody’s your friend or nobody is; don’t make much difference.”

Friendship Has No Script

Like Paden, you and I cannot see when meeting strangers if friendship will follow or know how long a friendship will last. Who can predict how any friendship will end? How can you know which friendships will last?

It occurred to me: How far can I stretch the word friend?

What makes a friend? What sustains a friendship? Can I, like Paden, expect everybody to be my friend?

There are levels of friendship, ranging from acquaintance to intimate. I also agree with a friend who says there are: Friends for a Reason, Friends for a Season, and Friends for Life. Think about how hard it is to make friends and how much harder it is to keep the ones who are in it for the long haul.

Which friends will walk into our lives? And which ones will walk out?

So, this article I read recently in “The Atlantic” got me thinking about friendship. The article’s writer explored ideas in a book written by two friends [2] who “enact on the page . . . the painful dissolution of a friendship.” The book of correspondence between the two women illustrates how promising beginnings do not always play out to the end.

The writer went on to admit for herself,

“Most of my withered friendships can be chalked up to this terrible tendency of mine not to reach out . . . how most friendships die: not in pyrotechnics, but a quiet gray dissolve. It’s not that anything happens to either of you; it’s just that things stop happening between you. And so you drift.” [1]

Drifting apart. Space grows between you. I get that. It happens when friends no longer have proximity, share common interests, or support values that strengthen ties that bind our hearts.

Only I tend to cleave to shared history. It’s the force behind class reunions. Memories.

Every BFF I had growing up, I threw them a rope when I moved away, hoping they would always hold onto the other end. The rope could only go so far, and over time, there was no tug on the other end.

But the article writer also pointed to toxic friendships that are bad for anyone. Citing studies that show how subjects’ blood pressure went up around friends who are “bad for you,” I thought of the segment on an old Johnny Carson Show where the animal trainer brought this critter who bit Johnny on the “thenar space,” (skin between the thumb and forefinger). The trainer said, “It won’t hurt you.”

Johnny rose from his chair with the creature dangling from his hand. “But it is hurting me!”

Sometimes, people need to admit that certain relationships do hurt.

How do I spot a “Frien-emy?” Or be “friendly but not friends?”

Other obstacles to friendship include “failure of reciprocity . . . asymmetries of time and effort . . . You trade confidences, small glass fragments of yourself. . . You feel bereft . . . As if someone has wandered off with a piece of your history.” [1]

Choosing friends requires discernment too. I keep coming across the word “safe” in the context of friendships. Truth told, all of us have some experience with friends who were not safe. Friendship burns leave scars.

“It’s the friendships with more deliberate endings that torment . . . they feel like personal failures, each one amounting to a little divorce . . . By midlife, you’ve invested enough in your relationships, that every loss stings.” [1]

Research shows that friendships are good for us.

My friend Pat repeats what her mother’s friend said to her. “I won’t live long enough to make another friend like your mom.”

When I can’t start over, I can still go deeper. Hope that the people I choose as friends will also choose me.

“What makes friendship so fragile is also exactly what makes it so special. You have to continually opt in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.” [1]

It helps to evaluate the levels and health of my friendships. Breathe. Take my heart rate. Reach out and touch someone.

Now is the time to come to the aid of my own dear self (self care) by nurturing existing friendships (like tending a garden), by renewing old friendships (before its too late), and by the intentional investment of time and attention to make friends feel loved.

I can at least stretch that far.

[1] “It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart” Direct quotes taken from this article by Jennifer Senior indicated by footnote [1].

[2] The Wellness Letters (An ironic title