Managing Expectations at Christmas

The words “managing expectations” resonates with me because I expect more than half my worries and disappointments can be traced to unrealistic expectations of myself, of others, and I guess it’s safe to include God in this list. Woe is me.

At no time of year do my expectations collide so spectacularly with Reality as at Christmas.

The year winds down and my expectations wind up.

Earlier this year, I read Minnie Driver’s memoir. Her title was worth the price of the book.

Managing Expectations. Those two words formed the spine of her story. Then she added flesh and bones to describe her chaotic childhood and her launch into the Hollywood galaxy where her star burned a little longer than fifteen minutes. Not an altogether lovely story to tell, but Minnie’s excellent use of the English language (she’s British and well-educated), her authenticity and humor made her book both fun to listen to and then to read. Like having coffee with a friend who trusts you enough to share more than an airbrushed version of herself, Minnie opened up.

A memoir writer takes a long view of their life, while the Christmas season compresses time and accelerates feelings, though forming only a brief chapter.

“So much time and little to do. Wait a minute.

Strike that. Reverse it.”

Willy Wonka

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Merry is a word used with Christmas. We don’t say Merry Birthday. Or Merry Easter. Other holidays, we say happy.

Yet we may not feel merry at Christmas.

In the classic movie, Meet Me in St. Louis, Judy Garland sings a poignant version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” As their father plans to change jobs, she and her family face an unexpected and unwelcome move to another town.

Losses, sorrows, and griefs amplify at Christmas.

You and I want to believe.

“Tidings of comfort and joy,” and “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” a seesaw of ups and downs, trying fill up our hope tank, feel the feelings of the season, and encourage emotions that make us feel like celebrating..

"They'll be parties for hosting, 
Marshmallows for toasting, 
And caroling out in the snow . . ."

Only sometimes, what we feel on the inside doesn’t match the effort and smiles on the outside.

We expect to feel better. We expect to feel more. We expect Christmas to be magical.

The Emotions behind Expectations

The author begins by describing his own Christmas memories of growing up in St. Louis and his dad bringing home Bavarian mints. . . . Idyllic scene.

“Each year, we expect the Christmas season to work some kind of magic on us.”

The four emotions described in this little booklet are: Disappointment, Stress, Sadness, and Joy.

“The problem is, while our emotions are real and important and valid, they are unreliable . . . part of growing up is learning how to control our emotions and override them when necessary.”

He says our grown up expectations can include the expectation of relational harmony, perfect food, decorations, and presents, and an expectation of happiness this year in spite of past disappointments.

Emotional tension and stress can sabotage the best laid plans for Christmas. The experience we dream of fails to materialize not only for us, but often for those around us.

Unspoken and unmet expectations rob everyone of joy. Joy for the little things get eclipsed by a laundry list of unrealistic expectations wound around the limitations each of us has.

Tree to decorate. Presents to buy and wrap. Parties to attend. School programs and class parties. Shop till you drop and then fall into the bed you did not have time to make yesterday, then wake up stressed about what you want to get done today.

Managing expectations involves recalibration. If I can admit that I will not get everything done I would like to do, or please everyone I would like to please, or give or receive every gift I may have hoped, what I can do is accept limitations. I can offer grace to those who are carrying their own burdens, and cut myself some slack because I didn’t mop the floor.

[1] This little booklet describes how disappointing the season of Christmas is for many. The writer emphasizes that apart from knowing God through Jesus Christ, whose birthday Christmas celebrates, all the practical ideas he notes for dealing with emotions and the situations that lead us to tank are “bandaids” and “aspirin.”